chemo or not to chemo

I read a blog today that was extremely anti chemo. The woman who wrote it said she had stage 1 cancer and she eventually healed herself with alternatives. This is all well and good, but she also said her doctors wanted to do chemo after surgery and she said no. I was confused why they would want to do chemo after getting everything with surgery with a stage 1 cancer diagnosis? It brought to mind a time I joined a support group. I tried to respond to her blog and it wouldn't post. Here is the response i wrote:

I once joined a cancer support website, and it was very supportive of the people who wrote, this is true. A girl had asked about alternative to help her relative and the moderators berated her and were very negative. I read the threads over a couple of days and the responses and the girl was so hurt she got such an awful response, I had to respond. They went on and on how the site was to support chemo patients and they, they are the brave ones, and the people who choose alternatives are taking the easy way out.

I was livid. I wrote to them, asking how choosing alternative was the easy choice? Did they think it was easy to get ridiculed and dissapprovement from your doctors? Did they think it was easy to change your lifestyle, watching your family and friends enjoying food and drink, and there you are with gluten free, sugar free, and water?

I promptly schooled them that alternatives are a scary choice and in no way easy. At every corner people love to remind you there is no proof alternatives work, and if there was a cure, wouldn't we have heard about it by now? i told them I was insulted and would now remove myself from the forum for ever.

They wrote back asking me not to leave, and apologized, saying I had enlightened them. It was a good step in the right direction, but I erased my account anyway. I did write to the girl personally and told her what I did. I also gave her some tips I hope helped in some way.

It is hard to go against the masses and the advice of people who are supposed experts. It is scary when the treatment you choose seems to be getting nowhere. Sometimes the challenge seems too much, when you are tired and people question you and you just don't feel like keeping a stiff upper lip. But know this, whatever you choose you have to know you will heal for it to stick. It's your body and if you look inside you will realize you know best. Don't do a treatment out of fear. Don't be strong armed into a choice that feels wrong.

Chemo was working for me, but I had an allergic reaction. When they said they wanted to do a different agent, I said no. I felt as if the chemo will work, but in the long run, my body would suffer in other ways from it if I didn't stop right away. The doctors and nurses made me feel stupid and wrong, and I was distraught and wavered for weeks. The cancer did get bigger, but I stand by my decision. I know i will figure it out, it is just going to take a lot longer then I want it to. I would never tell anyone who decides to do chemo they are wrong because believing in your choice is so important. When they've made their choice then you tell them chemo is useless and it only works 3% of the time, they are now full of fear. I will always teach others about alternatives and hope they choose that instead. Being scared is normal, but it has no place for a person who will heal from cancer.

So I say to everyone i meet and hear their story; "Look inside yourself, meditate on it. Do you truly believe this is the right choice for you?" If they say emphatically yes, then I tell them, "Then this will work." Belief and connecting to your spirit are stronger tools then most people can even imagine. Chemo can work if you truly believe. I don't believe in it so I made a different choice.

the abyss

I stood at the precipice of the abyss and stared into the ebon darkness
Hello? I queried
are you here for me?
I have been waiting for you
why?

aren't you sad? aren't you lonely? haven't you been wronged?
Yes i suppose I have felt that way
Don't you want to belong? don't you want to be special?
Yes I suppose we all want those things
Isn't the darkness comforting? There is no one here to hurt you

I stared into the void, no color no light.
So beautiful
But, How is this better?
Don't question it, just fall into my blissful nothingness
I will love you forever


I stood at the edge of darkness
How it beckons, full of dark promises
dark, dark promises

I stood at the edge of the abyss and looked away from the void
why won't you look at me
I don't want to be here anymore
I love you, I will hold you
I don't need your love, it is deception

fall into me, you will never have to struggle again
Your sinister promises impede my growth.
The trials along my path are lessons i need to learn
my soul grows stronger with each obstacle
You need me,
you need my comforting darkness,
you need my love
I need me, I need enlightenment, I need my love

I walked away from the edge of the abyss
it voiced only lies and empty promises
I did not fall prey to it's deception
I walked back toward the glowing promise of yet to come
I love myself and my love is full of light


Wyant-Pendleton 6/25/2011

Dear Angels

Dear Angels,

I find my resolve waning and I am tired and confused. Will you please help me be well? My strongest desire and what I ask of you is for me to be healthy, and rid of the cancer and excess fluid in my body. Please help me get rid of the cancer and stop the fluid from accumulating. Please make the fluid accumulation stop now so I can finish my chosen supplement treatment with strength and determination.

Thank you so much for listening. I will remain open and willing to accept the help you give me. I am grateful for what the help you give me.

I love you and myself,
Jessica

Letters to Angels

I recently came across the idea of asking for miracles. I want to ask all the time, and wonder if it is possible. Recently I am really tired and not in the best place. I find myself wanting someone to take me by the hand and say "I know exactly what to do to make you well. I know how to rid your body of cancer forever"

I am going to write a letter to the Angels and ask for my miracle. Just wanted the nex post to make sense to anyone who happens to stumble upon my blog.

loving me

I really love myself!

Believe in me

I am not asking you to believe in what I am doing. As a matter of fact I don't give a shit if you don't believe in what I am doing. I am asking you to believe in me. BELIEVE IN ME! And if you can't do that, then step away from the Jess.

Quackery stirs my fire!

They tell me i have new nodules.... in my lung lining. It is true, I filled up with fluid and had to get a paracentesis last week. They took out 5 liters of fluid from my abdomen. The doctor (the one I just loved so much) gave me one option, chemotherapy. He told me I "HAD" to do it. I was mad but I sat there, and didn't speak my truth.

I don't know why, but I cant seem to tell the oncologist what I want. Every time i do I get a lecture and doubt and complete negativity. I sit there and try to force words out and all that comes out is air and sadness. The sadness is a little because of my situation, but more from the desire to not do what they want me to do, and I just cant get it out. Does that make sense? Bah. And the doctor tried to give me anxiety meds when I said I didn't want to do it. Then he said i looked depressed and tried to give me anti-depressants. Quackery. I said emphatically no, I am not depressed I am angry. Quackery!

They scheduled for me for chemo treatment this past Friday.... I didn't go!

I DID NOT GO! I DID NOT GO! I feel so good about this decision. I know... I KNOW.... I am this close to figuring this thing out. I worked way too hard to slip back into the toxic way and to have to start all over again. Do I believe chemo will work... not entirely. I do believe it will shrink the cells to a point where they can't be seen, but at what cost? Destroying my immune system? Irreparably damaging organs? Not being able to participate in my family's lives? And it is all still lurking in the dark. The oncologist told me it will just keep coming back. I will discover a way to make it disappear for ever. that is my goal.

The oncologist said you are too young to give up. What? Are you serious? I have no intentions of giving up! What a quack. How is trying alternatives and taking control of my own healing giving up?

I will never give up. I have things to do and people to help and a life to live... on my terms!

past lives

I haven't written in a long time. I really don't feel well and the fluid is accumulating. I realize this would indicate the cancer is back and that is frustrating. I was scared but now I am just frustrated. I feel like I did everything right..... so let's move on to the metaphysical and explore that.

I have been reading Louise Hay. She is not only extraordinary, she makes a lot of sense. It's funny, but my vocal coach kept telling me to read her book, "Heal You Life". I downloaded a kindle book by her, but not the one suggested because she was going to let me read her copy. While my mom was helping me clean, she showed me a book and asked where i wanted it. You guessed it, I had a copy of the book the whole time. Ms. Cathy gave it to me to read.

Louise Hay writes about healing your body by healing your life. What does that mean? Well basically letting go of emotional an mental negativities. also she talks about manifesting the life you want with visualization and affirmations. It's good stuff, practicing it is a lot of retraining the way you think. I am trying, I will get it, it just takes practice.

I really let go of all the bad feelings i had stuffed deep inside. Well, it's not like I didn't talk about them before, but they still hurt, so I guess i had never let them go. As I ran out of things to let go of and I still felt terrible, I wondered "what if the reason I am having so many issues is not from this life?" "what if something horrible happened in a past life? How do I resolve something that happen in a past life if I don't know about it?". I think this is a legitimate question. So I ask it and I got an answer. Something did happen to me in a past life, and it involves rape, abandonment, rejection, chastising, and a choice that left my soul full of deep, deep guilt and sadness. It makes sense now that when Ms. Cathy did a emotional healing on me she felt the deepest sadness. I didn't think I had so much sadness in me, I thought I had worked through it. I see now it was coupled with my soul.

I am still processing it, and not really ready to write the whole story here..... yet. Now i have the knowledge of why, and all the tools to heal are here in my spirit. Implementing them, this is the part I have to figure out. I this close to healing for ever. YOU CAN DO IT JESS.... YOU CAN DO IT!

I can do it. I need to meditate STAT. :)

kundalini drums

Just a quick post here.... Tonight while I was getting ready to meditate, I picked my favorite music to meditate to. The first song on the album is.... kundalini drum. Yeah, really. I have been listening to kundalini music and meditating to it for months. That reaffirms my choice to stick with it.

On a side note, my energy is better, but the icky feeling in my abdomen is still there.

On a positive side note, I have committed to my healing. All my other interests can
coexist, as long as my healing comes first. I have decided tomato soup and sauce will now be part of my healing foods. They have lycopene (cooked tomatoes) and quercetin (tomato skin and onions), which are major canser fighters.

My personal power grows stronger every day. I am full of love and light.

Bananas can cure cancer?

I have been obsessed about bananas in my fight against cancer. They just keep coming up. When I was doing the FOCC (flaxseed oilo, cottage cheese).. before I realized i was allergic to milk... I would add a banana and some stevia, and I just loved it. When I was doing some automatic writing and meditating, the word banana kept popping into my head. What is it about bananas.

I went to the nutritionist and he didn't want me to eat bananas because they have too much sugar content. I agree with staying away from sugar, but bananas... why... must....eat....bananas!!!! I stayed away from them, I didn't feel as well.

I ate 1/2 a banana tonight that was not on the green side. it was not brown either, just a perfectly tasty banana. I have to admit I have been cutting up greenish bananas, freezing them and adding 1/2 to my protein shakes. I figure green ones don't have a lot of sugar, and although you can taste the difference raw, added to a shake gives it just the right banana flavor. It got me thinking, well why don't I look to see if people think it fights cancer?

Well let me tell you.... ripe bananas make something called TNF which is shown to fight cancer cells. What? really? Whoo hoo, I knew it!!!!! Let's get a little more scientific. TNF, tumor necrosis factor, helps regulate immune cells, increasing white cells, and inducing apoptosis. That basically means the abnormal cells will commit cell suicide. So ripe (brown spotted) bananas cause cancer cells to self destruct!

This is such an amazing discovery for me, I had to blog about it. Now... how do I convince my nutritionist I need to add ripe bananas to my diet? Hmmmm...... how indeed?

and ugh... grrrrr

I got up to go to the doctors today and just before I left, I took one last look at that festering hernia thing going on on my belly. Yeah, not a pretty picture. I woke up around 8 and it looked a little better, so I put more arnica/oil of oregano/bactracin on it. i covered it up an went back to bed for a couple hours. Well when I finally took a look at it (around noon) it was all bloody. YIPES!!!! I cleaned it off and the skin came off and there was a small hole. Now i am freaking out. I tore a** to the doctors, crazy thoughts running through my head.

Well the doctor cleaned it and put a dressing on it. She said it looks like it is healing, and it looks like a little fistula. She said leave it covered for a week and come back. In the mean time i am now on antibiotics. I would rather not take such things, but I do want it to heal. There is some blood in and the cover is clear plastic bandage, so I can see it, and I don't want to. I mean how much oozing is too much? Anyway it doesn't hurt as much as yesterday, but a bleeding hole certainly is alarming. Clot dang it, clot!!!!

Cathy said to me Sunday... I feel like something is working its way through. The Dr. said.... it may be something working its way out, like a surgical stitch. At first i didn't think it was possible, because i had staples, but I just realized, they had to sew my intestines together with something. So.. yeah it is possible it is a surgical stitch.

On a different note, i am still sore from yesterday, but no worse. Maybe the kundalini yoga helped work things out? I will wait until next week to try it again though, give my body a little time to heal. I still plan on going to the Ra Ma Da Sa on Friday night.

I am so done with the medical issues...

I am a river... letting it flow.

kundalini yoga

I hurt all over. Don't get me wrong, it isn't meant to be strenuous like other yogas, but I am sooooo not in shape. Oh, what is it I a m talking about? Kundalini yoga of course. But I get ahead of myself, let me tell you how I came to find this.

I have been in a funk lately. I had that illness a couple Fridays ago, and never really recovered. I have this icky feeling in my abdomen, which is eerily like the fluid from the canser. Well me freaking out is putting it lightly. It feels eh right now. Is it fluid? I don't know, I do have a oncology appointment Monday.

I meditated, and I believe regular exercise is one of the key elements i am missing. I went for a walk with my hubby and he went longer so I came back to the apartment. In the same building I live in, there is a chiropractor office. I have been meaning to check it out, because it is definitely interesting looking. It's called Metta by the way. I took note of the name and went upstairs to research it. The man who runs it is also a yoga instructor, and does meditation. Well you all know I am all about meditation these days, so i decided to check out his class Monday night. It was very different for me, a group, and chanting, and a little yoga, all things very alien to me. I got to talk to him(Paul) and he told me about what the sanctuary was really about was Kundalini yoga, and convinced me to give it a go. Here is a link to their site:

I went in not feeling well. I got dizzy at singing lessons today, and although I have felt a little dizzy before, this is the first time I really felt I had to take a break and sit. I still felt off when it was time to go the class, and when I took my place on the floor, I was feeling icky. I honestly didn't think I would be able to do much. It started and I tookit really easy. The other participants were really going for it. The breathing exercises were intense. the session turned out to be about releasing stress and fear. It was a lot of focus on breathing... exactly what i needed. All of the poses and exercises were hard for me, but I did what I could, which was way more then I thougt i could. Somewhere I really connected with the breath... FINALLY. It was great and i cried, of course, lol. I actually cried several times, and if i let it, i could of balled, but I tried to keep my composure. I do want to go back. Friday they are having a Ra Ma Da Sa meditation and it is specifically for healing. I definitely want to go to that one. I am so sore though, and i am a bit concerned how I am going to feel in the morning. No pain no gain right?

Well here's hoping I feel like supergirl in the morning;)

much better, but still funky

Well it's been a long haul, and I felt better everyday, but it still feels a little funky. Today is the first day I feel like the gas is pretty much gone, but I still have achyness in my guts. Hmmm.... I really don't know what it is, but I suspect it is just tired and sore from all the rigmarole. I do have an oncologist appointment in 2 weeks from today. I am hoping to feel fantastic that day!

I am not going to worry about it right now. I am going to give it a couple days with no gas and see how I feel.

On a brighter note I was gifted the owl as my next totem. After learning about all these animals and what the symbolism is for them, i think I really want to write some children's stories about them. I did write the story about turtle and bear, but I never considered adding animal totem characteristics in the story. Perhaps that is the way to go. I will do a little brainstorming and see what I come up with.

Owls and birds of prey everywhere!!

Yesterday I went to the movies to see Rango. It was a good movie, and there as the singing narrators were Mariachi Owls. I had to laugh, clever and fun. Oh, but I get ahead of myself. I blogged about the owl on my Iroquois Art blog, but not here, so perhaps a quick story is in order. You can also hit the hot link and read the post from the other blog.

I have been seeing owls everywhere. I suspect it is my next totem animal. I first wrote the word owl during automatic writing, and it didn't really mean anything to me at the time. I did take note, and to use a word I recently learned from following Aulden's blog called Active Imagination, it had impressiveness! Later the same day I pulled some tarot cards and there on the last card I pulled was an owl! Hmmmm? This was about a week ago by now, and since then I see them everywhere. Even during my funk time this weekend, there were Owl Mariachis, lol. Gotta' love it:)

I am trying to listen to my intuition and I think that is why the Owl may become my next totem. I will wait to see If I am gifted this. Yesterday during meditation however, a different bird showed itself. I saw a man holding a sack (Like burlap) and he opened it and out flew a falcon. What was that? Hmmm? So what do I know about falcon messages? Well at the time absolutely nothing.

Here are some things Avia Venefica has to say about Falcons:

"Falcons encourage us to calculate and strategize. If we have a goal, Falcons beckon us to make plans and strategies to obtain these goals. Falcons are all about focus – strong, one-pointed focus. When they show themselves to us, we are being called to focus on our desires and our goals, and do what is necessary to bring our desires into our reality."

"something in your life that you are highly passionate about, and the Falcon is asking you to take action on this passion. But be smart about it – don’t jump into something without doing research and planning. Make your passion a reality by pursuing it methodically."

It also awakens your visionary power and leads you to you life purpose. It can mean transition and change. It seems a lot of symbols I have noticed on my new path mean transition and change. It really only makes sense.

Now why was the bird in a sack? Was I holding it back? Was it waiting for the right moment to revel itself? It surely had much more impressiveness by being released in that manner. I feel like I was holding it prisoner, I was holding my purpose like a possesion? I think I am ready to learn what my true life's purpose is and to go about it with true diligence. Research, meditation, intelligence and focus will keep me on the right path. I think all the things I find distracting lately can be integrated towards my ultimate goal. I have felt like I was being pulled in a hundred, exciting but, diferent directions. I just have to be smart about it;)

I was so sick today.I woke up and had gas pain and didn't want to get up. I was tired and cold. I finally dragged myself out of bed and I walked into the bathroom and felt like I was going to faint. NOOOOOO! I mean I was all alone! I walked to recliner and sat down, confused and scared. I finally called my sister and told what was going on. She said she would get ready to come over while I called my doctor.

The doctor didn't seem alarmed. I told her I was faint, I was shaking and cold, but I didn't feel feverish. I did have a slight fever however, but it was about 99.9. Pretty high, but still lower then my sisters normal body temp, lol. The doc thought it was a reaction from all the supplements I am taking. So.... I called the nutritionist and we went over all the supplements. We did muscle testing for them and everything seemed fine. he didn't think it was that, but a stomach bug. By the time I saw him I had a splitting headache, I was still cold, and the gas was (and still is) horrendous. I think the scariest part was I had a similar thing going on when I had the bowel obstruction and needed emergency surgery. After all I was told I have a hernia.. again. I was pushing that sucker back in for 2 days.

I don't know what it is, but I do feel better. By the time I got home I was hot, so my fever broke. My headache is real mild, just a tinge at this point. I mean I wouldn't be blogging if it was bad:) I still have the third most awful gas ever. It will not come out. We tried to find some activated charcoal, but one place didn't have it and the other was out. I didn't feel like running around town all day, so I just went home and napped.

Some thoughts.... It could be a stomach bug. It could be food poisoning. Thankfully I was not vomiting and I went to the bathroom tonight, so I am feeling good about it NOT being an obstruction. It could be a cleansing reaction....which is actually good thing, even though it feels bad. I suppose it could still be from my supplements, you never know how your body will react to what you put in it. At any rate. I hope I feel fine tomorrow considering Ro's party is tomorrow.

Here's hoping I feel well soon

Wha?

I noticed this bump on my stomach last week. It really freaked me out. It is where the end of my incision is from my emergancy hernia operation was. Yeah it's awful looking. I can't really bend my neck, since only 2 or 3 vertibre work up there, so I don't bother doing such things. It was really sore though, so I took a mirror and checked it out. Booooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to the doctor yesterday and she said it was yet another hernia, not dangerous, but non the less still a hernia. She told me to rub arnica oil and vitamin E on it and masage it back into place. For real? Yeah, for real. If I don't and it gets bigger I will have to get it repaired.... Ugh no, I will massage it.

I did push it back into place last night, but it doesn't stay in for long. I guess I am just going to have to keep on doing it until further notice. Here's hoping it works.

PS it hurts... but it will be worth not having another surgery.

The song I was working on, and my wedding

So I figured out finally to let you all listen to my progress. I had to turn it into a video, so I decided to set it to my wedding pictures. Hope the universe likes it. Just a note, I will get better, at least I plan on it, and the endidng still needs lots of work... Here it goes.....

when is it evident you've bitten off more then you can chew?

Well here I am going a million miles an hour. Really, me. How did this happen? I find myself interested inso many things right now. I don't know what to focus on. Seriously I just need to sit and meditate and find the connetion. I know there is a connection. So my next post will be about my new direction.... or continued direction with better focus and flow.

A calmer me is in order.

today was extreme

Sigh..... I have a lot to talk about today. So, we'll see where and how much I feel like writing about as we go. My day went as such.... I got up, took a shower while oil pulling, plucked, checked my account to make sure I had money in it, ate my protein shake, and took off to the acupuncturist. I was supposed to have "coffee" with Chrissy, but she was having some kind of home crisis and couldn't make it. I called Jill and said I was coming over, since my hubby Matt was watching NCAA tournament all day. Igot home and decided to make some cream of carrot soup first, and as I pulled out my book to write my recipe down as i made it up, I noticed my friend Pat's number was onthe previous page.

I had been thinking of her lately, so I thought I should give her a call. There was no answer soI texted her son. I started the soup and got a text from him while cutting carrots. He said she was in her last moments. I cried. At 1:03 I told him to tell her I loved her and was thinking of her. I finished my soup. It came out fantastic! I got another text. Pat passed peacefully at 1:13pm. I cried again and called my husband and told him. I called my mother and told her. I put my soup away and took off for my sister's. I told her too. We talked about Pat.

My 3 (going to be 4 in 3 days) year old nephew wanted my sister to play video games with him. he is a riot. He told her it was the name of the game, lol. he also called her a genious when she found the gold coin on mario brothers. After my niece came home from school, they had a snack and their mother came to pick them up for a few hours (brother has custody). It was just about time to go see my cousin Austin to teach him how to meditate.

I get to my cousin's house (Austin is still in school) and we talk and what not. She made corn beef and cabbage for St. Patty's day, it'snot on my diet, so that is a bit sucky. I brought my own soup for dinner. Austin gets home and we're talking. We end up talking a lot, lol, as per usual. My Aunt calls my cousin and starts yammering about how I am doing alternatives and she thinks I am wrong. Talk about an uncomfortable situation. But this is my life. I am doing well, I am so happy and I still have to constantly defend my choices. How about everyone who doesn't agree with me, take a look at me and tell me to my face I am wrong. I am getting ahead of myself... So I talk with my cousins about what she said and I don't remember much. I just feel so drained when I have to deal with the doubters. Then we decide it is time to meditate.

Austin and i meditate. I sow him how i do it and we make some journal entries and go for it. I think of Pat and I think of how i have to deal with doubters and I think of my mantras...... I am full of white light .... I am healed..... I am on the right path..... I have only healthy cells.... then, I healed myself, now I should follow the protocol my nutritionist is creating for me, because this will keep me cancer free. Really? This is the thought I am having? Awesome! I am making it so. I see some blue(communication), some purple(spirit). I ask about Austin and get orange, faintly. It went really well. I think Austin got a lot out of it.

Off to home and juice, but not before Hubby wants a shake;)

An up and down day for certain. How it played out seems so organic yet strange. Crissy couldn't go to coffee, so I went home and ended up trying to call Pat. My aunt called while I was actually at my cousin's house? Oh and another cousin's girlfriend posted something about how alternative beliefs are all false when it comes to cancer.

I tried to make an appointment with Dr. Agoliati yeasterday. Instead of just giving me an appointment I was told he is only covering for others and there part time. I said yeah, and i want an appointment with him. I was put on hold and transferred to the nurse, who then proceeded to ask me what was going on. Um.... I am trying to make an appointment with Dr. Agoliati. .... Well he's only part time. UUUUGHHHHH! If I wanted to talk to her I would have asked for her. I know what i want and contemplated long and hard over this. She stressed I should make an appointment with yet another full timer because I need extra monitoring since I refused chemo. I was so frustraited, I had to calm. myself. I did meditate. It is fear which keeps people pushing me to do the accepted form of therapy. I can not control their fear and I am not responsible for their feelings of fear. Did I ever mention I love meditating? Answers, focus and understanding.

Also yesterday my nutritionist said to me..... What i am getting from you is your doctors don't think they can actually help you, they are just waiting for a new breakthrough to come along, Well they had 50 years to figure it out and they haven't yet, so i believe it is time for alternatives. I agree!

I am grateful....
I am grateful I found the right path.
I am grateful the people I love support my decisions.
I am grateful I have the tool of meditation.
I am grateful I found a supportive group of healers.
I am grateful I am loved.
I am grateful I have found joy.
I am grateful I am singing.
I am grateful people like my art.
I am grateful I met wonderful people in a hard time.
I am grateful to have had Pat and Bobbi in my life even though it was just a moment.
I am grateful I am!

Here's hoping Friday is a nice calm (and besides the cornbeef and hash lunch) completely uneventful.

So that song turned out not bad

I was so nervous about getting the song Ain't Misbehavin' right. It turned out better then i thought it would. YAY for me! My vocal teacher loved what I did with it,a nd my new assignment is ..... more. Yeah I have to work on it more this week. Well at least I got the tune down and now i can tweek it. She wants me to eeeeloooonggaaaaate my phrases.

Did I tell you all I love to sing? Well, i do! I can't wait until i do all the things naturally that I have to "think" about while singing right now. The 2 things I need to work on the most are getting enough breath and hitting the higher notes with some power.

Oh I got some great news today. My CA 125 is 12.5. It's still going down! I stopped chemo almost 3 months ago. The nurse practitioner called today and wanted to tell me my vitamin d levels were too low and to ask what was going on with me. I told her I switched my doctor and I was doing great. She's a nice lady.

I want to tell the world to change your diet and beat cancer! It's funny but the doctors tell you to do the chemo therapy and when you stop, they seem to say..... well the patients who do the best are those who make changes in their diets. ?????? Ah, the rules need to change!

Well catch you all later gotta juice:)

Sing me a song Jess

Ah.... I am trying to learn the song Ain't Misbehavin'. I am almost there. I had to give myself a break from it for a while, because more then one nigh this week I fell asleep singing it, and woke up still singing it. Argh... Don't get me wrong, it is a great song,a nd the version I was given to learn is by Carmen McRae, which is fantastic. After saying all that I don't like having songs stuck in my head when it comes to my sleep. I sang it for the first time today while recording it, so i could see how I was doing. Needs work, but some nice moments in there.

Here is a link to it: Ain't Misbehavin' by me and a phot montage Anyhow it needs more work, so i guess it is just as well.

So not only will I have to sing this song tomorrow at my singing lessons, I neen to ask about finding a song in E. I need to work on my solar plexus chakra, which is the note E .... the stone citrine, amber, topaz, tiger's eye or yellow saphire ..... foods bananas, corn,eggs, grapefruit, lemons, marrow, parsnips, pineapples, yams or yellow peppers.

Ok I can't focus, so i guess it is time to stop... for now.

Simply Savory Quinoa

Simply Savory Quinoa

"a savory side dish, tasty yet simple, with carrots, celery, onions and quinoa."


Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 30-35 minutes
Servings 3


Ingredients
1/2 c quinoa
1 c vegetable stock (or chicken stock if not vegetarian)
1 stick celery choped small
2 carrots sliced
1 small onion minced
1 clove of garlic minced
1/4 tsp basil
1 tsp tumeric
1 tsp fresh lime juice
salt to taste
2 t olive oil



Directions

1.soak quinoa for 15 minutes unless it is pre washed
2.rinse drain in mesh strainer and set asside
3.While you are soaking the quinoa, cut up the celery, onion, garlic and carrots.
4.saute in the olive oil over medium heat for a few minutes or until onions are clear.
5.add stock tumeric and basil stir
6.add quinoa, stir, and bring to a simmer.
7.cover and simmer on low for 25-30 minutes.
8.fluff and add lime juice and salt to taste


Footnotes
I always cut my veggies really small, more like mincing because I don't like chunky veggies. It is always optional to cut this small. This would probably taste great with rice as well.
.

Today is my mom;s birthday. She is 48.... again, lol. Apparently she thought she was 48 all last year, but my sister pointed out she actually turned 48 today. Ah, so funny. So we went to Red Lobster for dinner and I had my weekly animal protein int he form of trout. Who knew trout was so good? I suppose lots of people did, but I was not one of them.

So I am doing mostly veggies these days, and I make sure I juice (1 1/2 cups) every day. I have been eating a lot of quinoa and almonds and I made a soup, which my nutritionist gave me a loose recipe, and I added all the veggies i had and then some. It's pretty good, but I don't think I can eat it everyday. I am going to try to make a cream of sweet potato soup soon. I'll blog if it is good or not, because I decided to just use my cream of broccoli recipe and substitute accordingly. It could be amazingly good, or it could be amazing for other reasons. Oh, so I am not getting enough protein and I am not ready to add meat on a regular basis, therefore...... I am doing one anomal protein a week and supplimenting with a protein powder. I ordered hemp powder and the nutritionist is bringing green tea protein tomorrow. I will try them both and see how they taste. I will probably just add them to the veggie juice.

I rather enjoy my veggie juice. By looking at it you certainly wouldn't think it is even edible. I have to chuckle, because I made my husband try it last night. I thought he was going to plug his nose and run away, but he tasted it. His comment was weird..... but that is good for him. I like it and I guess that is all that matters. I'm not sure uf i blogged about this recipe before, but I think I will put it down here anyway. I use 2 or 3 carrots, 2 leaves of kale, 1/2 cucumber, 3 to 9 pieces of asparagus (depending on the size), 1 brussel sprout, 1/3 sweet potato(or 1/2 yam), 2 broccoli buds, 2 or 3 cauliflower buds, 1/2 inch peeled ginger root, 1 radish, 4 or 5 cilantro sprigs and 1/2 pear. The pear is just enough sweet to make it taste good to me. I tried apple and I just didn't like it. I have been drinking this for over a month now. All of the people on my health team, from my oncologist to my meditation coach, think I look healthy. My nutritiopnist even said there was "something robust about your(my) vital energy". Is there any cancer left? I don't know... acourding to my last scan taken in January there was.... but now? I feel really good. I finally can say good when people ask how I am doing, and mean it. I really attribute it to juicing and not eating meat or sugar... or gluten.

What else did I do today? Well..... I had a singing lesson. I sang Cry Me a River and it wasn't too bad. I'll try to make a link to it on youtube later. I'm not promising I can figure it out though. The vocal coach gave me a new song to try, Ain't Misbehavin. I really don't know it at all, so i t will be a challenge. She gave me Carmen McRae's version to listen to, which I really do like. We'll see what happens.

Sorry my post had little personality today. I'll try to be looser next time.
I'm going to post a recipe now:)

my new oncologist makes me happy

I simply love Dr. Agoliati. He is the final piece of my new team. I wanted to go to him last March, when I first talked to him, he talked about water bottles and synthetic hormones, being alkaline, and vegetarian, no sugar.... all the things i totally believe in. I wanted to talk to him, and asked if I could. It was frowned upon, and never happened. When I finally decided I needed a change, not just in my choice of therapy, but in my medical team, I called and made an appointment with him.

I wish I had the nerve to change a year ago. What a difference. He is personable, talkative, interested in you as a person. He is open minded. He knew I wanted to do alternatives, and he talked about my diet and exercise. He told me to eat poison ivy when it first starts to come up. LOL, you know what, I just might do it. Let's see, what did he suggest..... eat vegetables, stay alkaline, only natural things. If it isn't from the earth stay away. No processed foods, no sugar, exercise in the cold. Eat root vegetables. He showed me a stretching exercise and told me i looked good. I have to go back..... wait for it..... wait for it.... 2 MONTHS.... whoo hoo!!

Ah so I started my candida purge today. The diet itself is not much different from the diet I have been eating. I added all kinds of supplements. I now take 2 gazillion pills instead of 1 gazillion. I am not supposed to eat the cottage cheese anymore, and I was so confused about what to eat for breakfast. I ended up making broccoli soup. It's not so much a breakfast thing, so i made some quinoa tonight so I can have hot creamy quinoa tomorrow. Here's hoping I like it!

even in times of renewal, i am reminded

As I recuperate from the chemo I had and find my way toward a natural healing, I am reminded of why I stopped doing chemo. This week my father-in-law was admitted in to the hospital. He has an irregular heartbeat and he needs to get it stopped and restarted. His doctor thinks the chemo he had 3 years ago probably caused heart damage. I hope and believe he will be ok, but this makes me so sad. Damage from chemo is one of the major reasons I decided to stop. I have had so much more then he has and it is scary.

When I first had chemo I didn't know there was an option not to do it. I certainly was scared and would have probably done the chemo anyway back then, but I wish I knew I had options. When the cancer came back, I begged my gyno oncol to let me try diet and supplements. He agreed to 2 months, but the fluid in my abdomen was making me soooooo sick. i was tired... exhausted really. I was weak and my heart was racing and my blood pressure was high. My muscles were weak. I could barely make it up the stairs. When i got home I plopped on the couch and sat there... forever ... trying to gather my energy. The fluid came fast... I had to get a paracentisis after just 6 days just before I started the chemo. I have no idea how many I had all along. 10 maybe? Can you imagine getting a 8 inch needle stuck into you and having fluid drained out... i had as much as 4.4 liters drained in one session. It was not fun. It wasn't the worst thing in the world, but still not fun. Anyway the fluid was coming to fast to stick to my guns and let juicing and raw foods get me healthy. I relented.

When my veins were shot and the nurses kept asking me to get a port, I said no. When they kept right on pushing I wanted to say... screw this chemo shit, I am done... but I kept going. When the six months of taxol was done, I was ready for them to say it was gone, but I was still getting fluid and I knew it was not. They said they wanted to add carboplatin and I wanted to just stop, but I said lets get this over with. Then I developed a hernia and got super sick from a intestinal blockage(from the hernia). I was puking brownish green stuff.... bile, and they admitted me to the hospital. I ended up getting emergency surgery when I spiked a fever because my intestine gangrened. So that gave me a bout 3 or 4 weeks off of chemo. I restarted and the nurses asked again if I would get a port... NO... Then one week I had an allergic reaction to the carbo. At his point I am thinking that's it. No more chemo.

This is where the I feel it was obvious I should stop. I had the allergic reaction and my doctor wanted to re challenge me the next week. I was so nervous. I was told a long time ago if you have an allergic reaction to medication.. or anything really... the next time could be much worse. Worse? yikes! When I went back in, a different doctor was covering, and he wouldn't give me the chemo. He said it was too dangerous. So he ordered a PET scan and said come back in 2 weeks. Well I decided then I would start a vegetarian diet and start juicing. I went back and the PET scan showed I still had activity so my doctor wanted to start me on something else, but he wanted to confer with my gyno oncologist. He called him and he was out of town. Ok so no chemo that week. I went in the next week assuming no chemo that week , because the nurse hadn't gotten the ok for the new drugs, and I was right my gyno oncol never called back... so unprofessional. So... no chemo that week. The doc calls the G O again and he is in surgery and he talks to an associate. They decide to give me cisplatin. I don't want cisplatin. I go in and talk to my friend Lisa and the man next to me has a stroke or aneurysm and 20 minutes later, they take him away but he has no pulse and not breathing. Yeah I didn't want chemo anymore. I just needed to get away from that place.I think it was pretty obvious the universe was warning me away from there. So by now it's been 5 weeks or so. I feel pretty good, my hair is growing back and I want to stop. I need a break mentally.

I go in the next week, and I have decided I am not getting this new chemo drug, so i don't take the steroids the night before. I am sooooooo nervous about telling the doctor this. He does his exam and says let's get started, and I say " I don't want to do the chemo." I don't even like remembering this It was awful. He gave me a 20 minute talking to about why I had to do it and alternative therapies are "bunk"... his word. He tells me his goal for people like me is to keep us alive with the best possible quality of life until a new drug comes along. Yuck I don't like this at all! Then he says to me... "This, right now, is the best you will ever feel." Yuck, I don't like this... and I think "you suck"... I DO NOT agree with that. I promise him I will come back in 2 weeks... just to get the hell out of there. As i am walking out the nurse stops me and asked me to get a port. I said NO, and walked away. She says after me, just think about it. PSHT... how about no.

The stress of telling the doctors what I wanted, of trying to find a new way, to find the courage to make it my final decision was unbearable, and I wrote about it in my earlier posts. When I walked out of the doctors office yesterday, I was ECSTATIC, ELATED, RELIEVED. I finally found the doctor for me. I wish I went to him from the beginning. When I had the allergic reaction, my ca 125 was 37, when I went back and told the doctor I wasn't doing chemo, he did the test again, it was 19.1 ...... YAY for me.

I love my new hematology oncologist, and I am going to blog that in the next post.

And the nutritionist says...

Hey there cyberbuddies. Today I went to acupuncture, then to see a nutritionist. I have to say, my new team of healers is AMAZZZING. I am so excited about the path I am on, that I am not all that snickledoozled about seeing the oncologist tomorrow. Well, I have a plan of action, and getting check ups from the oncol is all I have planned for them as of right now. I have the name of a new person in my handy dandy notebook and it's calling to me....

So..... what happened today? With Monica, my accupuncturist, I had a good session. The crazy thing was when she put the needle in my ear it made me soooo dizzy. That one just had to go:) I tried to "meditate" while on the table. I didn't quite get there, except for a short while in the middle. I heard someone tauntingly saying "Fence".... like it was a name, and Fe....eeahence, .. Yay, I am so glad i am doing this. She is wonderful and not worried about the money, so i don't have to worry about it either.

Then there was the nutritionist....... Quirky, different, interesting, and I suspect he may be a genious. The only punchy part is he is pricey, although I guess he is not as pricey as others. That being said I feel a hugh change is a comin'. We talked about candida. He feels I am full of it, and it needs to go. He did some allergy tests, so strange, and turns out I am allergic to milk, yeast and wheat, but not corn and potato. So I may have to stop the FOCC, which I love... waaaaah! My next appointment is Thursday, but he called this evening and decided I can't wait and should start the cadida clense now. I meet with him tomorrow and he is going to give me some papers and supplements. Oh we also talked about liver functions and doing a liver cleanse, and said he wants me to lose weight. I will find out more tomorrow.

OK so gotta go. I thinkI wan to meditate for 15 or 20 then hit the hay as they say.

singing like I mean it

Well look at me (or should I say listen to me)! I started taking singing lessons a couple weeks ago, and I actually am making progress. I have some problems here and there with the exercises, especially that one where you say all the vowels in after the mmmm sound. It's all complicated to me, lol. Mamamamamamememememimimimi, yeah I am not good at it... yet. Oh man I don't know what I am going to do when she adds o and u... I'm sunk. I am having trouble taking a deep enough breath as it is.

I picked Cry me a River as a song to practice, and it actually sounds good. i am not saying awesome at this point, but it's getting there. I am supposed to practice changing it up. It's a bit difficult. My first attempt sounded like a cat in heat... lol. Anyway it is exciting. i really like it.

I just realized i may have a gyno oncol appointment next Tuesday, and that would be very inconvinent. I would not only like to cancel that appointment, I would like to find a new gyno oncol. Bah, it always wants to rain on my parade. Soo............................. I will work it out.

I made an appointment with the nutritionist Thursday. It is super expensive, and I hope insurance will cover some of it, but it is an investment ...... in me:)

And.... I made Simply Savory Quinoa for dinner..... yummmmm! Here is my recipe: http://allrecipes.com/PersonalRecipe/62631139/simple-savory-quinoa/Detail.aspx
Try it, it is so fabu!

Chocolate Banana Almond milk Milkshake!!!

I just made the most amazingly delicious concoction ever..... A chocolate milkshake made out of banana, raw cocoa powder and almond milk. I barely believe this is good for me but it is. It is really simple to make too. I posted it on allrecipes and submitted it so others can try it and rate it.



http://allrecipes.com/PersonalRecipe/62657228/Chocolate-Banana-Almond-milk-Milkshake/Detail.aspx



What makes it so healthy? The ingredents are all natural, raw and just plain healthy.

*Bananas... pretty good for you, if you eat them in the green side they are alkaline and not at all too sugary.

*Almond milk.... yummy, no hormones, completely non dairy

*Raw cocoa powder.... has more antioxidents then green tea, completely alkaline.... but seriously bitter on its own

*Stevia.... natural sweetener which is low glycemic and you can now buy it at the grocery store... I like Truvia brand

So far the best tasting thing I have made completely on my diet. Now I need more almond milk, lol.


I will add a picture the next time I make it. It won't look any different than any other chocolate shake, but it deserves a picture itis that good.

February 19, 2011

Tonight I made quinoa and cumin, with peppers, garlic, onions. It was pretty good, but sweet. I like savory not sweet, so I am not sure if I will make it again. Matt liked it, but I like my simple savory quinoa instead. That has carrots, celery and turmeric mixed with the quinoa. Anyway I will tinker a bit. I also made myself guacamole, but I think I will leave out the lime next time. Don't care for it.



Last night Matt's cd player wouldn't work. Sigh..... I was really upset. I mean I was the last one who used it, so perhaps I broke it. I tried everything besides taking it apart, since that never goes well for me, lol. Like the way I "fixed" the dvd player, so now it only plays Teen Witch, FOREVER:) I really needed to meditate after that.



Let me tall you about meditation.... It's awesome. I love it. Even if nothing happens, I am so relaxed after I am done. I do feel closer to the universe, that may seem silly, but it is true. Earlier in the week I felt like the universe was giving me a big loving hug. Yeah, sounds nuts, even to me, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Sometimes it takes me way to long to get to that place. The thoughts swarming around my brain are hard to keep quiet. Right now it always comes back to doctors. Who? What do I say? what will they say? how do I tell them? where should I go? should I stay with this one ore that one? should I find someone else..... blah blah blah. I am seriously tired of it. All that being said........ when I finally gett there it is fantastic. Who knows what I might see. Most of the time it is just a dark peacefulness of nothing. If I remember I can ask for the things I need or want. Sometimes I have "visions". I think I go to the place right before you fall asleep, where you see things but if you realize it you break the trance and come out of it.

what a prickly day

Well today I went to an acupuncturist. She reminded me she can not tell me what to do with my treatments, and can't say this will cure cancer. Right, so I signed a bunch of waivers and proceeded to get stuck with a bunch of needles. They are so thin, and just go in enough to stay. Pretty easy, the only one that bothered me was the one on the outside of my hand. It even bled when the needle came out. While it had some pain that came and went, it was fine and I could even relax just fine. Of course as soon as she left the room, my nostral itched. I stayed in a dimly lit room and was told to relax and be still for 20 minutes. It went slow at first, but the last half went quick, once I finally felt completely relaxed. I even had "visions". I suppose I was falling asleep, and i saw a windy road. I followed the roadlike I was flying, zip zip zipping along. I go back next Thursday. Eventually she will talk about suppliments (I believe Chinese herbs).

I need..... Ok so my mom called, and I have no idea what I need... lol. Hmmmmm......

Anyway the cure is in nature,a nd my diet and suppliments will keep me going for a long time. All these alternative things, like accupuncture is for getting my body to the best place it can be, so it ready to be healthy.

Well I may blog later, but for now I need to go. TTFN.

my search for a support group

Well, I decided I will stop getting chemotherapy. I am hoping and praying I will never need it again. I will be well and rid myself of cancer with my diet and suppliments. And.... I am willing to try anything which does not include coffee enemas. Ok, I suppose if iut really came down to it,a nd tons of people were saying "coffee enemas cured my cancer" I would do it. Let's hope it never comes to that. BRAAHHHHGGGH! (this is me shuddering). I am not knocking the enemas, i am just not ready for that. I'll cross that bridge if i need to.

So where am I now? I have a bunch of calls out. I called the naturopath in Kingston. I wasn't too encouraged because she didn't write me back, so i called her and she went on about being a compliment to chemo. Agh!! I don't want to talk about chemo. Then I e mailed an acupuncturist, and she went on about..... you guessed it, compliment to chemo. BLAH!!!! Then I e mailed a Chinese acupuncture and herbalist in Kingston, but she didn't write back. This is the one i want to go to most of course. I also have the number of Pastor Dave, who i think is a healer, but not sure about that one, it looks uber religeous.

Oh, so let me tell you how I came to the idea of acupuntureist, well besides the fact people have told me to go there, lol. So, I have been wondering what kind of places I should go to for my healing. I was really lost, confused, unsure... you get the picture. I decided to meditate on it. While I was meditating i asked what kind of healer I should seak out (medical doctor, shaman, reiki master etc.), I was completely open to whatever came through. I didn't get much, but what I got early on were flowers.... after I asked directly I got worms and bees. What? I didn't know what this meant to me....... wait, coupled witht he flowers....... GARDEN! That could mean a couple things. the most obvious and what ties in directly with what I am already doing is food.

Yes, ok, I am doing a mostly raw, vegitarian diet. I do eat the cottage cheese/ flaxseed oil mix (Budwig diet) or FOCC in the morning, but other then that, almonds and veggies. I juice the veggies. Right now I drink 1 1/2 cups of juice a day. I may increase that soon. 1/2 a cucumber, 3 carrots, 3 large spears of asparagus, 1/2 pear, 1/3 or 1/4 sweet potato, sprig of cilantro, 3 broccoli flourets, 3 radishes, and occasional 1/2 a beet (but they are messy). It's pretty tasty! No, seriously, it really is tasty.

So.... senario 2... in the computer age, you do a search. Yeah that's right I googled it. I typed in garden, healing, and the town I live in and.... BAM!, my chiropractor's building came up, and a pet place, and acupuncturist in my area. The acupuncturist is in the building with my chiropractor. Hmm. And that my friends is why I e mailed the acupuncturist.

What else? Hmm. I bought a rebounder and need to set it up. Yeah I should do that tonight.

So I added my playlist to this blog, so enjoy.
Gotta go!

My Stress is Stressful

I am happy. Right now I am happy. I decided to not go back to doing chemo. I have been stressing about it for a week now. I mean I want to stop the chemo and go with the juicing and supplements, but I keep wondering if it is the right thing to do. I know it is the right thing to do, and I believe it will work.

I asked for assurance, for help from a higher power. I kept seeing 1's. Today, after I talked to my mom and sister, I was driving in my car and was thinking about how I told them I was not doing chemo anymore, and still the thoughts of how will I know if this is right or not. I thought "if I turn on the radio, the first thing I hear I will try to see it as a sign" I turned on the radio and I heard "STOP...if you really love me". Really? Stop? Hmmmm. My quandry was do I stay on the chemo or not? Oh, and earlier today I was talking to my chiropractor about what I was going through, and as I waited for her to find a number for me I looked up and there in my face was a picture of asparagus. What was amazing about that? Not only was it a picture of veggies, but a couple months ago i saw a clairvoiant woman. She said many amazing things to me, even though I was only there for her to help me meditate. One of the messages she got for me was to drink asparagus. ASPARAGUS?!?!? She immediately made a face and said eewww, that sounds awful, but it is what they are telling me.

If I read the signs, I have to believe I am on the right path. I looked up the meaning of multiple 1's a few minutes ago. If you see multiple 1's, according to the ladies at Angle Scribe, you should thank God/Spirit/Angels for telling you you are on your path, and to say thank you. Yay... I thanked the "Grandfathers/higher power" when I asked for a sign I was on the right path.... and I will thank them again tonight now that I realize they answered me.

So today is day 3 of juicing. I am doing the FOCC (flaxseed oil and cottage cheese) mix in the morning, and raw veggies veggies veggies, and nuts. So far i am hungry a lot, but I should drink more water,a nd that would probably help.

OK back to the book I bought. And now I have to try not to stress about how the doctor is going to react tomorrow. Deep breath..... Yipes.

how did i get here?

So how exactly did I get here? The frustration and all the questions running through my head is exasperating. Cancer can really sock it to you. I hear all the stories and I keep thinking "could be worse". My sympathy has certainly taken a hit. I mean seriously, when a doctor tells you, you have cancer and it will just keep coming back.... that they can do chemo and hope to give you almost a year before the next round, how can you take some of the other "drama" seriously?

Excuse me for the negativity, i am really just trying to get it all out. I was told I should write. It is a cathartic way to express yourself. I don't actually expect anyone to read this, I just want to get it all out there, release it into the universe.... let it go.

Today was rough. My gynocology oncologist never bothered to return my hemotology oncologist's phone call from last week. What a tool. I need to find a new doctor. So now it's been 5 weeks since i stopped chemo, and my hair is starting to grow, and I finally kicked the dizzy drugged feeling and now they want to start again. I want to resolve and power to just say no. No more chemo! I am so confused. The other chemo was working until I had an allergic reaction to it. Boooo! Almost gone is not gone, and the doc doesn't want to stop. The nurses are pushing me to get a port. I said emphatically NO! and she still said "just think about it". It makes me so mad. I was depressed but holding it together at the thought of starting chemo again, and then she had to push me on the port. I still tear up when I think about it. I feel like I have no control. How do i take control?

How can I take some control? It is the question I ask myself over and over. Just when I think I have an answer, something knockes me over. I bought Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Diet book today. I am hoping it will give me new resolve and self empowerment. I lost it in the past few weeks. Being in cancer limbo will do that to you. So I am going to read the book. I am going to meditate more. i am going to eat more veggies. I am going to regain my resolve. I am going to kick this cancer, and the chemo has no bearing whatsoever. It is going to be with diet and self empowerment. I am healthy is my new mantra.

So here i will write all my crazy thought. I may have good days and bad. Here is to believeing more good days are coming. I can do this. I believe.