how did i get here?

So how exactly did I get here? The frustration and all the questions running through my head is exasperating. Cancer can really sock it to you. I hear all the stories and I keep thinking "could be worse". My sympathy has certainly taken a hit. I mean seriously, when a doctor tells you, you have cancer and it will just keep coming back.... that they can do chemo and hope to give you almost a year before the next round, how can you take some of the other "drama" seriously?

Excuse me for the negativity, i am really just trying to get it all out. I was told I should write. It is a cathartic way to express yourself. I don't actually expect anyone to read this, I just want to get it all out there, release it into the universe.... let it go.

Today was rough. My gynocology oncologist never bothered to return my hemotology oncologist's phone call from last week. What a tool. I need to find a new doctor. So now it's been 5 weeks since i stopped chemo, and my hair is starting to grow, and I finally kicked the dizzy drugged feeling and now they want to start again. I want to resolve and power to just say no. No more chemo! I am so confused. The other chemo was working until I had an allergic reaction to it. Boooo! Almost gone is not gone, and the doc doesn't want to stop. The nurses are pushing me to get a port. I said emphatically NO! and she still said "just think about it". It makes me so mad. I was depressed but holding it together at the thought of starting chemo again, and then she had to push me on the port. I still tear up when I think about it. I feel like I have no control. How do i take control?

How can I take some control? It is the question I ask myself over and over. Just when I think I have an answer, something knockes me over. I bought Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Diet book today. I am hoping it will give me new resolve and self empowerment. I lost it in the past few weeks. Being in cancer limbo will do that to you. So I am going to read the book. I am going to meditate more. i am going to eat more veggies. I am going to regain my resolve. I am going to kick this cancer, and the chemo has no bearing whatsoever. It is going to be with diet and self empowerment. I am healthy is my new mantra.

So here i will write all my crazy thought. I may have good days and bad. Here is to believeing more good days are coming. I can do this. I believe.