loving me

I really love myself!

Believe in me

I am not asking you to believe in what I am doing. As a matter of fact I don't give a shit if you don't believe in what I am doing. I am asking you to believe in me. BELIEVE IN ME! And if you can't do that, then step away from the Jess.

Quackery stirs my fire!

They tell me i have new nodules.... in my lung lining. It is true, I filled up with fluid and had to get a paracentesis last week. They took out 5 liters of fluid from my abdomen. The doctor (the one I just loved so much) gave me one option, chemotherapy. He told me I "HAD" to do it. I was mad but I sat there, and didn't speak my truth.

I don't know why, but I cant seem to tell the oncologist what I want. Every time i do I get a lecture and doubt and complete negativity. I sit there and try to force words out and all that comes out is air and sadness. The sadness is a little because of my situation, but more from the desire to not do what they want me to do, and I just cant get it out. Does that make sense? Bah. And the doctor tried to give me anxiety meds when I said I didn't want to do it. Then he said i looked depressed and tried to give me anti-depressants. Quackery. I said emphatically no, I am not depressed I am angry. Quackery!

They scheduled for me for chemo treatment this past Friday.... I didn't go!

I DID NOT GO! I DID NOT GO! I feel so good about this decision. I know... I KNOW.... I am this close to figuring this thing out. I worked way too hard to slip back into the toxic way and to have to start all over again. Do I believe chemo will work... not entirely. I do believe it will shrink the cells to a point where they can't be seen, but at what cost? Destroying my immune system? Irreparably damaging organs? Not being able to participate in my family's lives? And it is all still lurking in the dark. The oncologist told me it will just keep coming back. I will discover a way to make it disappear for ever. that is my goal.

The oncologist said you are too young to give up. What? Are you serious? I have no intentions of giving up! What a quack. How is trying alternatives and taking control of my own healing giving up?

I will never give up. I have things to do and people to help and a life to live... on my terms!

past lives

I haven't written in a long time. I really don't feel well and the fluid is accumulating. I realize this would indicate the cancer is back and that is frustrating. I was scared but now I am just frustrated. I feel like I did everything right..... so let's move on to the metaphysical and explore that.

I have been reading Louise Hay. She is not only extraordinary, she makes a lot of sense. It's funny, but my vocal coach kept telling me to read her book, "Heal You Life". I downloaded a kindle book by her, but not the one suggested because she was going to let me read her copy. While my mom was helping me clean, she showed me a book and asked where i wanted it. You guessed it, I had a copy of the book the whole time. Ms. Cathy gave it to me to read.

Louise Hay writes about healing your body by healing your life. What does that mean? Well basically letting go of emotional an mental negativities. also she talks about manifesting the life you want with visualization and affirmations. It's good stuff, practicing it is a lot of retraining the way you think. I am trying, I will get it, it just takes practice.

I really let go of all the bad feelings i had stuffed deep inside. Well, it's not like I didn't talk about them before, but they still hurt, so I guess i had never let them go. As I ran out of things to let go of and I still felt terrible, I wondered "what if the reason I am having so many issues is not from this life?" "what if something horrible happened in a past life? How do I resolve something that happen in a past life if I don't know about it?". I think this is a legitimate question. So I ask it and I got an answer. Something did happen to me in a past life, and it involves rape, abandonment, rejection, chastising, and a choice that left my soul full of deep, deep guilt and sadness. It makes sense now that when Ms. Cathy did a emotional healing on me she felt the deepest sadness. I didn't think I had so much sadness in me, I thought I had worked through it. I see now it was coupled with my soul.

I am still processing it, and not really ready to write the whole story here..... yet. Now i have the knowledge of why, and all the tools to heal are here in my spirit. Implementing them, this is the part I have to figure out. I this close to healing for ever. YOU CAN DO IT JESS.... YOU CAN DO IT!

I can do it. I need to meditate STAT. :)