They tell me i have new nodules.... in my lung lining. It is true, I filled up with fluid and had to get a paracentesis last week. They took out 5 liters of fluid from my abdomen. The doctor (the one I just loved so much) gave me one option, chemotherapy. He told me I "HAD" to do it. I was mad but I sat there, and didn't speak my truth.
I don't know why, but I cant seem to tell the oncologist what I want. Every time i do I get a lecture and doubt and complete negativity. I sit there and try to force words out and all that comes out is air and sadness. The sadness is a little because of my situation, but more from the desire to not do what they want me to do, and I just cant get it out. Does that make sense? Bah. And the doctor tried to give me anxiety meds when I said I didn't want to do it. Then he said i looked depressed and tried to give me anti-depressants. Quackery. I said emphatically no, I am not depressed I am angry. Quackery!
They scheduled for me for chemo treatment this past Friday.... I didn't go!
I DID NOT GO! I DID NOT GO! I feel so good about this decision. I know... I KNOW.... I am this close to figuring this thing out. I worked way too hard to slip back into the toxic way and to have to start all over again. Do I believe chemo will work... not entirely. I do believe it will shrink the cells to a point where they can't be seen, but at what cost? Destroying my immune system? Irreparably damaging organs? Not being able to participate in my family's lives? And it is all still lurking in the dark. The oncologist told me it will just keep coming back. I will discover a way to make it disappear for ever. that is my goal.
The oncologist said you are too young to give up. What? Are you serious? I have no intentions of giving up! What a quack. How is trying alternatives and taking control of my own healing giving up?
I will never give up. I have things to do and people to help and a life to live... on my terms!
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