My Stress is Stressful

I am happy. Right now I am happy. I decided to not go back to doing chemo. I have been stressing about it for a week now. I mean I want to stop the chemo and go with the juicing and supplements, but I keep wondering if it is the right thing to do. I know it is the right thing to do, and I believe it will work.

I asked for assurance, for help from a higher power. I kept seeing 1's. Today, after I talked to my mom and sister, I was driving in my car and was thinking about how I told them I was not doing chemo anymore, and still the thoughts of how will I know if this is right or not. I thought "if I turn on the radio, the first thing I hear I will try to see it as a sign" I turned on the radio and I heard "STOP...if you really love me". Really? Stop? Hmmmm. My quandry was do I stay on the chemo or not? Oh, and earlier today I was talking to my chiropractor about what I was going through, and as I waited for her to find a number for me I looked up and there in my face was a picture of asparagus. What was amazing about that? Not only was it a picture of veggies, but a couple months ago i saw a clairvoiant woman. She said many amazing things to me, even though I was only there for her to help me meditate. One of the messages she got for me was to drink asparagus. ASPARAGUS?!?!? She immediately made a face and said eewww, that sounds awful, but it is what they are telling me.

If I read the signs, I have to believe I am on the right path. I looked up the meaning of multiple 1's a few minutes ago. If you see multiple 1's, according to the ladies at Angle Scribe, you should thank God/Spirit/Angels for telling you you are on your path, and to say thank you. Yay... I thanked the "Grandfathers/higher power" when I asked for a sign I was on the right path.... and I will thank them again tonight now that I realize they answered me.

So today is day 3 of juicing. I am doing the FOCC (flaxseed oil and cottage cheese) mix in the morning, and raw veggies veggies veggies, and nuts. So far i am hungry a lot, but I should drink more water,a nd that would probably help.

OK back to the book I bought. And now I have to try not to stress about how the doctor is going to react tomorrow. Deep breath..... Yipes.

how did i get here?

So how exactly did I get here? The frustration and all the questions running through my head is exasperating. Cancer can really sock it to you. I hear all the stories and I keep thinking "could be worse". My sympathy has certainly taken a hit. I mean seriously, when a doctor tells you, you have cancer and it will just keep coming back.... that they can do chemo and hope to give you almost a year before the next round, how can you take some of the other "drama" seriously?

Excuse me for the negativity, i am really just trying to get it all out. I was told I should write. It is a cathartic way to express yourself. I don't actually expect anyone to read this, I just want to get it all out there, release it into the universe.... let it go.

Today was rough. My gynocology oncologist never bothered to return my hemotology oncologist's phone call from last week. What a tool. I need to find a new doctor. So now it's been 5 weeks since i stopped chemo, and my hair is starting to grow, and I finally kicked the dizzy drugged feeling and now they want to start again. I want to resolve and power to just say no. No more chemo! I am so confused. The other chemo was working until I had an allergic reaction to it. Boooo! Almost gone is not gone, and the doc doesn't want to stop. The nurses are pushing me to get a port. I said emphatically NO! and she still said "just think about it". It makes me so mad. I was depressed but holding it together at the thought of starting chemo again, and then she had to push me on the port. I still tear up when I think about it. I feel like I have no control. How do i take control?

How can I take some control? It is the question I ask myself over and over. Just when I think I have an answer, something knockes me over. I bought Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Diet book today. I am hoping it will give me new resolve and self empowerment. I lost it in the past few weeks. Being in cancer limbo will do that to you. So I am going to read the book. I am going to meditate more. i am going to eat more veggies. I am going to regain my resolve. I am going to kick this cancer, and the chemo has no bearing whatsoever. It is going to be with diet and self empowerment. I am healthy is my new mantra.

So here i will write all my crazy thought. I may have good days and bad. Here is to believeing more good days are coming. I can do this. I believe.